First SAC paragraph drafting...

So, as we covered in class this morning, here is the sample paragraph we re-drafted.  The first version, the original, is the one that obviously needs work.  The second one, the improved version, is an example of how to drastically improve your writing, just by making a few simple changes and addressing the structure of your writing.

Original

Pearce applies a fearful and an alarmed response which causes a sense of safety among the audience, “…dangerous…” which indicates that Wikileaks cannot handle confidential information appropriately which may lead to a country and it’s government in a hazardous situation.  The shocking response from the audience causes to doubt the attention of the audience which leads to an alerted response.  Wikileaks should treat information appropriately and should not place a higher personage in jeopardy and unethically expose information that should remain private.

Improved

Pearce contends via fearful and inflammatory language that WikiLeaks is “...dangerous…” and cannot handle confidential information appropriately.  This assertion is clearly aimed at suggesting to the audience that should this information continue to be handled inappropriately, this could place a country and its government in a hazardous situation.  By utilising such words as “dangerous”, and presenting his argument in a far more aggressive tone than his gentler opening paragraph, the author is potentially intending to alarm his audience and perhaps try and force them to pay more heed to the message he is providing.